Surrender feels like a negative word. It feels synonymous with giving up; with weakness. In my last blog, I wrote about perseverance, or not giving up in the face of difficulty. So how can surrender and perseverance coexist? I’ve witnessed the constant dance between these two seemingly opposite energies play out during my journey through parenting two small children.
I don’t love war metaphors, but sometimes we have to lose the battle (surrender) in order to win the war. I don’t consider my life to be a battlefield à la The Bhagavad Gita per se, but there are some struggles. One of those struggles is the tension between my professional, family, and personal lives. There are only so many hours in the day, and I’m finding time very precious now that we have two kids who require a lot of attention. While I’m losing the battle to maintain my routine pre-children, I’m succeeding in the ways that matter most to me now.
I love spending time with my kids, and I pride myself on being physically present with them to a degree akin to a stay at home parent. One of my greatest achievements has been structuring our lives to max out on family time, especially in the critical early stages before they go off to school. They’re only little for such a short period of time, ya know? I don’t want to look back and wish I’d been there more.
Before I go further, I need to fully acknowledge that I might not fall under everyone’s definition of a “stay at home parent”. Also, we are incredibly privileged with the support we have in Thailand. Lastly, as I do more with Suan Sati than Lisa, she is more hands on with the kids than I am. However, I can speak a bit to both of our personal experiences, and maybe my words will resonate with other stay at home parents and/or those parents or caretakers working full time.
Since having kids, my professional life has been deprioritized. I’ve put several projects and ideas on the back burner because I can’t imagine investing time into them. As a result, we’re probably earning less than if we were childless. I have the perspective to understand that regardless, we are still extremely privileged. We have abundant food, clean water, a safe place to live, healthcare, and plenty more. In our case, surrendering professional and educational opportunities isn’t a huge sacrifice because (a) we have enough, and (b) I don’t value them as much as I do our family time. Hustle culture and pathological accumulation just aren’t my thing, and I definitely don’t want to sacrifice my family time to a false sense of security based on the material. I trust that I’ll have time to earn more and grow professionally later. As a contrast, others (Lisa included) can feel a sense of loss at the seeming pause of professional development. That’s both valid and seen, it’s just not my experience.
My personal life is where I experience the most difficulty in surrendering to my current reality. There are so many areas of my personal life that have been neglected. I’ve always been a procrastinator, so the further behind I get on things, the more anxiety I feel. It sucks when I run into these attachments! Here’s a short list of things that are in the toilet currently off the top of my head:
- Keeping up with friends and family
- Reading
- Meditation (currently at 10 mins a day)
- Yoga (stretching a bit here and there but not doing full practices)
- Eating enough (lost 12 lbs/5.5 kg in the past month and a half)
- Cultivating deeper connection with Lisa
- Playing music
- Sleeping enough
I know that everything comes in phases, and this demanding phase will be over at some point. My older sister gave me the sage advice that it’s tough for the first few years of the kids’ lives, then it gradually eases up. It’ll never be normal like before kids, but you’ll regain some time for yourself eventually. I understand way more now the guests that we get that say they’re looking to find themselves again after losing themselves in the role of being parents. While I don’t feel like I’ve lost myself, I do have this phantom sense of loss due to my resistance to surrendering to my new reality. The list above doesn’t define me, and I’m not less than because the way I spend my time has changed. I do notice frustration rising when I’m not able to take care of myself as much as I used to though. That’s my point of emphasis in my process right now, just remembering that it’s my attachments that are causing my emotional discomfort, not anything external.
Right before I started Suan Sati, I had this feeling that I’d wasted some of the time I spent traveling in the years prior. There came a point when I wasn’t enjoying traveling anymore, and I just kept going because I thought it was impressive to others that I was gallivanting all over and not working for long stretches. Later on, when I reflected back on those times, I understood that I learned a lot on my travels that I later applied to Suan Sati. I wasn’t traveling with any conscious purpose, but nonetheless I was learning and growing.
That lesson has remained with me during this time. I’m not necessarily decaying or slowing my growth because I have kids. I’m growing in new, unexpected ways, and now I can appreciate that in real time as opposed to in hindsight. When the kids are older, I’ll practice yoga more, meditate for hours, read impressive books, chat regularly with loved ones, and generally take better care of myself. Stressing out now about what I’m missing out on or comparing myself to unrealistic hyperproductive parents doing it all only steals joy from the precious present moment. And I am loving the present of being with my kids when I’m able to be here now.. Letting go of how I want things to be, I can embrace the way things are and find blissful contentment in the act of surrender.
